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MBA, GMAT, CAT, CAT 2009, cat preparation, IIM, XAT » Tag: MBA Jokes - Recent Posts http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/ MBA, GMAT, CAT, CAT 2009, cat preparation, IIM, XAT » Tag: MBA Jokes - Recent Posts en Sat, 31 Jul 2010 17:03:32 +0000 MBA_Jokes on "MBA Jokes, Management Jokes" http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/topic/mba-jokes-management-jokes#post-892 Tue, 10 Feb 2009 13:46:27 +0000 MBA_Jokes 892@http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/ How To Handle A Rejection Letter [Date Today] Dear [Interviewer's Name]: Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. Sincerely, [Your Name] MBA_Jokes on "MBA Jokes, Management Jokes" http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/topic/mba-jokes-management-jokes#post-891 Tue, 10 Feb 2009 13:45:36 +0000 MBA_Jokes 891@http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/ Employee Travel Cutbacks Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective immediately, the following revised procedures apply: LODGING All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather. TRANSPORTATION Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. MEALS Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers, and Price Club, Costco, Sam's Clubs, etc., often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries and other food sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly preparation. MISCELLANEOUS All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens, and other items previously purchased as campus giveaways will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits. Enjoy your trips! MBA_Jokes on "MBA Jokes, Management Jokes" http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/topic/mba-jokes-management-jokes#post-890 Tue, 10 Feb 2009 13:44:56 +0000 MBA_Jokes 890@http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/ Best Excuses When Caught Napping In Your Cubicle 1. It's okay... I'm still billing the client. 2. They told me at the blood bank this might happen. 3. This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to. 4. I was working smarter-not harder. 5. Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper. 6. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! 7. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! 8. I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance. 9. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made us attend. 10.This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work! 11. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. 12. Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. 13. The coffee machine is broken... 14. Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without my hands. 15. The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot. MBA_Jokes on "MBA Jokes, Management Jokes" http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/topic/mba-jokes-management-jokes#post-889 Tue, 10 Feb 2009 13:44:04 +0000 MBA_Jokes 889@http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/ Everything I Need To Know I Learned In Corporate America 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough. 7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. 16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 20. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends. 21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. 23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it. 25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. 26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize. MBA_Jokes on "MBA Jokes, Management Jokes" http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/topic/mba-jokes-management-jokes#post-883 Tue, 10 Feb 2009 13:32:47 +0000 MBA_Jokes 883@http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/ Another Management Speak Primer MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting. TRANSLATION: I disagree. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: "I don't disagree." TRANSLATION: "I disagree." MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you. TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility. TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity. TRANSLATION: You have a problem. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this. TRANSLATION: This is awful. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world. TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand. TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business. TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture. TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here. TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary? TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing. TRANSLATION: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources. TRANSLATION: You're working weekends. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Individual contributor. TRANSLATION: Employee who does real work. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold. TRANSLATION: We've put a bullet in it. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer. TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive. TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this. TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this project. TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision. TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats. TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work. TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer. TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that. TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal. TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you. TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift. TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added. TRANSLATION: Expensive. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources. TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees. TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me. MBA_Jokes on "MBA Jokes, Management Jokes" http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/topic/mba-jokes-management-jokes#post-882 Tue, 10 Feb 2009 13:31:54 +0000 MBA_Jokes 882@http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/ A Dead Horse: Reflections On Business Today Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse." 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses. 7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse. 8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability. 9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment. 10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead." 11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse. 12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed. 13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat." 14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. 15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. 16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster. 17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead. 18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. 19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses. 20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable. 21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. MBA_Jokes on "MBA Jokes, Management Jokes" http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/topic/mba-jokes-management-jokes#post-881 Tue, 10 Feb 2009 13:30:39 +0000 MBA_Jokes 881@http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/ Top 20 Management Terminologies A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull! SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely. ALL NEW - Not interchangeable with the previous design. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - It finally worked! LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken. ITS IN TESTING RIGHT NOW- we have no idea how to do this. WE ARE USING FOCUS GROUPS EXTENSIVELY- Maybe they know how its done. OUR ONLY OPTION IS TO REENGENEER THE PROCESS- How else can we justify firing most of the existing staff without looking like complete idiots. Anonymous on "MBA Jokes, Management Jokes" http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/topic/mba-jokes-management-jokes#post-186 Sun, 17 Aug 2008 12:56:54 +0000 Anonymous 186@http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/ This applies to Indian ministers (Lallus and Gowdas) as well. gardhabdasmba on "MBA Jokes, Management Jokes" http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/topic/mba-jokes-management-jokes#post-19 Wed, 27 Feb 2008 17:44:12 +0000 gardhabdasmba 19@http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/ Corporate Lesson number one A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. gardhabdasmba on "MBA Jokes, Management Jokes" http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/topic/mba-jokes-management-jokes#post-18 Wed, 27 Feb 2008 17:42:30 +0000 gardhabdasmba 18@http://www.forums.mbapursuit.com/ The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action. The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem....